My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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