On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I am one with the molecules
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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