Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
