we have pet lesbian snakes
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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