the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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