My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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