I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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