What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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