You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
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It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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