Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
