Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
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I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
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I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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