i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
