Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
