dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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