Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
