My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
