i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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