I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
