4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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