I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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