y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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