hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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