This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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