You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
