Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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