there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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