Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
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