U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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