Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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