So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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