Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
