I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
