I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
