I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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