there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ketchup is God's man juice
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
