I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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