my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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