Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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