New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
