I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
