The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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