the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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