I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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