Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
