i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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