Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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