Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
