I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
