Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
