saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
