hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
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Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
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Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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