You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
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The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
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I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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