i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think I sprained my soul last night
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
