I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
