It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
