She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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