I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
