I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
