He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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