I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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