Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
now i know why i became what i already was.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
